


is it enough to live one life (is it okay to want everything)

by lushwang (theangryblob)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Hopeful Ending, M/M, seungkwan is dead and junhui helps him navigate the afterlife, there is a description of death but its p short, this is mad sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 16:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18480352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangryblob/pseuds/lushwang
Summary: Prompt: “When you die, you can plea to be reincarnated, but you must prove that you are worthy of being reincarnated in the form of an awkward job interview.”Seungkwan dies and needs to decide if life is worth living again.





	is it enough to live one life (is it okay to want everything)

**Author's Note:**

> here's the original prompt:
> 
> https://writing-prompt-s.tumblr.com/post/183968627725/when-you-die-you-can-plea-to-be-reincarnated-but
> 
> “When you die, you can plea to be reincarnated, but you must prove that you are worthy of being reincarnated in the form of an awkward job interview.”
> 
>  
> 
> before i am a writer i am a bastard and i am gay. im sorry original prompter. thank u to my lovely mika for helping beta my fics <3

seungkwan yawns, reaching up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. how long has he been asleep for? the last thing he remembers was lying down for a nap. most of the students in his dormitory had headed home for the holiday, but seungkwan couldn’t afford a plane trip for just a week. it had been a long time since he’d enjoyed any peace or quiet, and the sweet light of the afternoon had been so tempting. the fan overhead was spinning continuously, lulling him into a gentle sleep.

god _damn_ , how long has he been out?

he sits straight - wait, since when was he _sitting_ , he had fallen asleep on his bed - and looks around to find himself in a tiny room, sitting in front of a desk and surrounded by enormous stacks of paper that nearly reached the ceiling. it’s poorly lit by a couple of lamps on the desk - also incredibly messy - but the man behind the desk seems perfectly comfortable, humming as he scribbles away with a quill, the feather end nearly a foot long and brushing his (exquisite) nose with every word.

“uhm,” seungkwan clears his throat, startling the man into dropping his quill, glasses nearly falling off his nose as he looks up and comes face to face with seungkwan. his eyes are huge and unblinking, staring straight at seungkwan as if he’s completely unaware that the sudden attention is extremely uncomfortable for him. seungkwan squirms in his seat, trying to figure out a way to approach this carefully. he has no idea where he is or who he’s with, and the idea that he could be in a lot of trouble is making him very, very anxious.

“boo seungkwan! it’s good to see that you’re finally awake. for a second I was sure there was a mistake.”

seungkwan frowns. “mistake? what? where am i? how do you know my name?”

the man sucks in a deep breath, before reaching out over the table, holding his hands out to seungkwan. “give me your hands.”

“what? no.”

“no, trust me, you’re gonna want me to hold your hands for this.”

“no that’s weird. i don’t even know you.”

the man blanks, before gasping slowly, mouth widening comically as realization dawns on his face. he turns his head, looking around quickly before he pushes his chair back, the legs scraping against the floor, and stands up to move around the desk and pick something up. seungkwan notices immediately that he’s very tall, and then that even through his shirt, he can tell there’s some muscle. great. whoever this person is, seungkwan has to stay on his good side. he takes a quick look behind him, but finds only more stacks of paper blocking whatever doorway brought him in here. even better.

“right.”

the man returns to his seat, sliding back in with another scrape of his chair, and gingerly sets a name plate at the edge of the desk on top of a stack of folders, from where it must have fallen off. despite the immediate danger seungkwan must be in, he can’t help but wonder how long it would take to clean this room. a week? a month? he’s only on episode four of marie kondo on netflix and she hasn’t gotten to papers yet.

_Wen Junhui_

_Counselor to the Dead_

 

“am i getting pranked? this isn’t funny. who put you up to this?”

seungkwan leans forward, frowning. junhui nods slowly, as if what was happening was exactly what he had expected. “see, i told you, it’d be better if i held your hands while we talked. this is such an awkward way to- to-” he purses his lips, gesturing vaguely with one hand as he tries to find the right word, “go through with it. i’m still new at this job, i’m sorry.”

“what do you _mean_?” this doesn’t make any sense. he tries to think, but he can’t imagine any reality tv show like this, and this entire set up seems far too elaborate for a prank. who would even pull one like this? none of his friends can afford to hire an actor. fuck, they can’t even afford the printing cost to get all this paper. seungkwan clenches his fists in his lap. “where am i?”

junhui sighs, resting his elbows on the table, hands clasped loosely. “boo seungkwan, you died today. there was an electrical fire in the dormitory you were in, and you suffocated from the smoke.”

he freezes in his seat, heart skipping a beat. “what kind of sick joke is this?” his voice quietens at the end of the question, lungs burning. he can feel it now - hot smoke dragging through his lungs, searing his skin black. everything is hot, too hot, he can’t breathe, he can’t feel, he can’t think beyond the pain of his flesh cracking open. there’s a pressure on his chest, someone calling his name, and he thinks he can see the sky, black fumes pillowing above him, the world fading in and out of focus-

junhui touches his hand and seungkwan gasps, sucking in air at the realization that he will never breathe again. when he finds there are tears streaming down his cheeks, he lets out a wail, pulling his hands away to wipe at them, furious with the vision seared into his memory. “what _was_ that?”

junhui sighs, pulling a tissue box out from his cabinet. “that-,” he plucks one and gingerly holds it up for seungkwan, who snatches it out of his hand, “was your last moment. it was what was happening while i was waiting for you to wake up - your soul was struggling to pass over. you fought very hard.”

“that-” he holds his head in his hands, body trembling. it doesn’t make sense. none of this makes sense. “i was _asleep!_ i should have been _asleep!_ ”

junhui sits up and reaches out to pat seungkwan’s arm. “there, there. many people have a hard time coping with the fact that they’re dead. no one ever plans on dying or know how they’ll die. everything you’re feeling is completely normal and it’s okay to-”

“you’re not my therapist!” seungkwan pulls away and stands up so fast his chair falls backwards, disturbing the paperwork behind him. “my therapist is mrs park and she’s forty and she’s _nice to me_. are you even human? are you a demon? let me out of here, right now, i swear to god-”

the chair snaps up right so fast it hits seungkwan’s butt and he shrieks as he falls into it. by its own accord the chair tucks itself right in, pressing seungkwan’s knees to the desk. when he tries to get up again, it’s as if his butt has been glued to the seat.

junhui covers his mouth in shock, and to his credit he does look genuinely surprised. still, seungkwan whimpers, unsure. “i’m so, so sorry, please don’t tell me it hurt too badly. i’m still new at this, i didn’t mean to hurt you. it’s just you were panicking and i needed you to calm down and- gosh, i’m so sorry.”

seungkwan sniffles, reaching out for another tissue to wipe his nose. “okay. it’s okay. i mean it’s not okay but.” he blows his nose, and junhui gives him a wobbly smile. he hates this so much. “i’m twenty-two. i still have so much i want to do. i was going to hang out with my friends tomorrow,” his voice breaks again, “i haven’t finished any of my shows on netflix.”

“i didn’t really get to it, _but_ ,” junhui opens a folder and takes out a piece of paper, inspecting it carefully before he puts it down again and gives seungkwan a pleasant smile. he’d be handsome if this situation weren’t so fucked up. seungkwan is still sure he’s a demon of some sort. “you haven’t finished everything you need to do in life-”

“that’s what i _just_ said!”

“-wait, wait, listen.” junhui gives him a pleading look and seungkwan withers. he doesn’t want to be the asshole in this situation. does he even have the right to be an asshole? he just died, right? “you were meant for great things, seungkwan. you were going to do a lot in your life. you shouldn’t have had to die today.”

oh.

seungkwan stares at him for a moment, but junhui smiles like he’s just said the best thing in the world. seungkwan stares harder, and junhui’s smile falters.

“if i’m _supposed_ to do great things, why did i die?”

“oh. well.” junhui flips through the file again, flushing in embarrassment before he reaches over and pulls out a tome, flipping through it till he gets to the page he wants. “fate works in mysterious ways,” he recites, “sometimes people can die before they do all the things in life that they can do. this is just bad luck. however, this is fine. because of the holy institution of reincarnation, everyone is allowed a chance to balance their scales and finish all the good work that they started. humanity can be very good and very kind if given the chance. this is why everyone deserves a second chance.”

he shuts the book and seungkwan watches dust fly out from between the pages. there’s no title on the cover.

junhui smiles and puts the book away. “so- you have a choice, boo seungkwan. you can go back and start over or you can move on to the next step in your journey.”

“start over? from _birth_?”

“yup!”

seungkwan pouts. “i don’t want to be a baby. that’d be awful. they can’t even walk properly.”

junhui laughs, “well, you wouldn’t remember any of this. you’d just be a regular baby with a regular life. you wouldn’t remember anything from your previous life.”

“oh,” seungkwan hums. “have i been reincarnated before?”

junhui glances at what seungkwan assumes must be his file, before snapping his head back up with inhumane speed. “nope!” he pops the syllable too cheerfully. a little tact when talking to seungkwan - or, his soul, _whatever_ \- would be appreciated.

he leans forward. “and what’s the next step?” he blows his nose, annoyed that even his dead body still succumbs to the post-crying grossness, “is it like heaven?”

junhui just smiles. “i can’t really tell you until you make a decision. i don’t want to influence your choice.”

seungkwan leans back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. it’s surprisingly clean, but the color is weird. because of the lighting every is cast golden or olive or just shrouded in shadows. seungkwan knows it’s mood lighting but it just seems inefficient. he frowns, another wave of sadness washing over him. he was going to install fairy lights in his dorm room this semester.

‘the next step’ seems far too ominous but… it’s something new. he could be better. he could have more, maybe. he’s been an okay person, at the very least, right? heaven doesn’t sound too bad. he can’t even count all the reasons he _might_ go to hell but none of this seems like any religion he’s seen before. maybe none of that matters here. he sucks in a shaky breath.

“i don’t want to be reborn and have to start all over again…” he muses quietly.

“oh! in that case, the next step means-”

“no! wait! i’m just- let me be _sad_. how am i supposed to make this decision right now? you say i was meant for great things but i don’t know what that means.”

junhui gives seungkwan a sad smile. it’s not pity, but understanding. it sends a shiver down his spine. “i know this is hard, not knowing where either decision will take you. but whatever you choose will be the right choice. that is all i can promise you.”

does he know what seungkwan will choose? if he knows seungkwan’s fate from this life, does that mean he knows what will happen here, in this room? what’s the point of choosing at all?

he slumps back again in his chair, sniffling. “i’ve never even had a boyfriend.”

junhui giggles - _oh_ \- before picking up his quill and writing something down in seungkwan’s file. when seungkwan leans over to see, junhui just tuts. whatever language this is, he can’t read it. shame.

he stays still for a long time, before looking up at junhui and reaching for his hands. at this junhui blanks, staring at where seungkwan touches him. junhui’s hands are warm and infinitely comforting. calm slips right over him, and he finds himself relaxing immediately. he understands now why junhui wanted to hold his hand.

“are you a human?”

junhui shakes his head. “i’m… i think the easiest way to say it is. well.” he struggles, brows furrowing. they both glance at the book junhui had opened, but junhui doesn’t remove his hands from seungkwan’s hold. “you can call me a spirit. i use the human face, name, and personality of your soulmate so that this process can be more comfortable for you.”

“i have a soulmate?”

“oh! everyone does, you just haven’t met them yet.”

that changes things then. “my soulmate.”

“yes, your soulmate. you never got to meet them before you died.”

and great things. his soulmate and great things are still potentially there, waiting for him. “if i don’t meet my soulmate before i die, do i meet them when i take the next step?”

junhui hums. “only if they want to meet you too. i’m not sure what wen junhui wants. he’s not under my jurisdiction.”

“fuck.”

seungkwan stares at his hands, fingers interlocked with junhui’s. he has so many questions, he doesn’t even know where to start. “do i… do i live the same life over again? or am i born completely new, like to a different family in a different time?”

“completely new. your name might change but your face will be the same. your soul will be the same. and if your soulmate chooses to be reincarnated, then their face will be the same too. but,” junhui’s eyes well with sadness, “you’re not going to remember any of this, so you won’t know what they look like. i’m sorry.”

“fuck.” seungkwan closes his eyes and touches his forehead to his hands. junhui pulls one hand away to card his fingers through seungkwan’s hair.

“i’m very sorry. if you choose to be reincarnated you’re just going to go back as a regular person. there’s still a chance that you might die too early or before you meet your soulmate and you’ll have to come back here again.”

“but-“ junhui starts, cupping seungkwan’s cheeks and tilting his head up to look at him. his eyes are so happy - seungkwan is glad that at the very least, his soulmate has a kind face. “there’s a chance you do everything you want in life and more. if you meet your soulmate, you can know love like you’ve never imagined. you can be happy over and over again.”

“what if i have all of that and it’s still not enough? do i come back here? do i see you again?”

junhui lets out a breath. “that’s not for me to decide. you’re here because you didn’t want to die.”

seungkwan sits up, taking junhui’s hands from his face and holding them tightly. he does not want to let go. “i chose to come here? _how_?”

junhui nods. “you did. but that’s not something i can explain to you. but if you want to live: you can. if you want to see what exists beyond your life: you can.”

it’s not enough. it’s not enough to _choose_ when seungkwan thinks and thinks and thinks about how much he wants both. a life is finite. a life where he is the same man, the same soul: he knows himself. he had an okay life. he loves his friends. he misses them. he worries what they’ll do now that he’s passed, what hole he’s left in their lives, if any. his mother, his father, his sisters - he misses them so much already. but he missed them when he was alive too; he was constantly waiting and waiting and waiting: telling himself that he would have to work for that real fulfillment, that it was impossible to enjoy the present when it was so bleak, that every moment not spent suffering for satisfaction was a moment wasted. he knows how much he yearns for that untouchable happiness and how it is always just out of his reach, his years playing on the backdrop of stress and greed and guilt and stress and greed and guilt and always asking for more, just a little more, just a little more.

global warming is still happening.

“if i meet wen junhui, how will i know he’s my soulmate? what if he doesn’t love me back?”

“everything will work out. i know it’s hard to imagine, but everything will always come together in the end. even if you’re unhappy now, the future is always better. happiness will come to you.”

it has always been in his nature to strive for what he cannot have.

seungkwan closes his eyes. “i want to be happy.”

junhui leans in and rests his forehead against seungkwan’s. “you can be happy.”

it is never enough.

“if i… if i choose to be reincarnated, how will it happen?”

junhui sighs. “to leave this realm, you must die.”

shock lingers at the back of his mind, anguish curling behind his eyes. he doesn’t want to die. he never wanted to die. “will it hurt?”

junhui pulls away, and seungkwan opens his eyes. why does junhui look so sad? he is not seungkwan’s soulmate, but everything is dulled by the need to reach out to him. he would do anything to see him smile again.

“it will hurt more than anything you can ever imagine. but this is cost of living. it will be over before you know it.”

junhui lets go of seungkwan, and the distress returns, heavy and overbearing, and he gasps, fighting back the new tears reaching his eyes. this is too much. junhui comes around the table and leads seungkwan out of his chair and helps him sit on the floor. relief comes immediately with his touch, but he sees the knife in junhui’s hand. it is temporary. all of this is temporary, he tells himself.

nestled between junhui’s legs, head cradled against his shoulder, seungkwan weeps. junhui rubs his back gently. “i find that doing it like this is easiest. i hope you understand that i don’t want to hurt you. you deserve to enjoy a good life, boo seungkwan.”

seungkwan shakes his head, clutching onto junhui’s hand with both of his.“it’s okay. it’s okay. please don’t let go of my hand.”

“i won’t.”

he raises the knife, and seungkwan closes his eyes. when it pierces his skin, his whole body jerks, tensing as new pain well up in his chest. “seungkwan- seungkwan look at me.”

through his tears, it’s hard to make out junhui’s face. “i-”

“please don’t forget my face. don’t forget me. i love you. i’ll always love you. you’re going to do good things. you’re going to be happy”

seungkwan closes his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> idk fam
> 
> i will prolly not continue this... feels good on its own u kno


End file.
